Listening to music while I work today... Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers are up with 'Rhino Skin'... fitting for the flurry of thoughts running through my head today. "You need rhino skin, or you're gonna give in". I'm battling back thoughts of self-importance and self-esteem based on who I work for and what I do and not whose I am. I don't want to 'give in' to me; I want to trust God to do what He says He will: 'never leave or forsake me' and 'to make my paths straight' (when I put my trust in Him).
At best, I'm distracted today. Thinking of future and not so future plans. I know that God has His plan for my life - just not sure what it is exactly at this point. I've been all over the place lately (last year) - small group for me; small group at work for others; prayer group at work; participating in the ASL Choir; going to Ukraine (my heart literally aches for the kids there!)... and most recent events: holidays (oven ordering fiasco; Thanksgiving with family; serving others; doing it on a different day?); Lauren moving out soon - actually makes me tear up to write that... I'm a wreck.
And on top of all of that I read Philippians 3 this morning and then heard a part of a message from Dr. Chuck Swindoll on the way to work about wanting God's will while I want my own too (monkey with his hand inside a gourd grasping rice - he can't get his hand out while grasping "what he wants" and he gets captured) - read: it doesn't work. Philippians 3 was all about the fact that we are to give up ourselves and our desires to be all about what Jesus did for us and to understand that that was so great an act that nothing we've ever done or will ever do could ever compare - "therefore, I count it all as loss".
I feel a whole lot of loss at the moment. My job feels awkward and like I don't belong anymore. I want more time with Lauren. I want more time with Jason - we had some fun silly moments this weekend. I want more time with Jesus - super personal, quiet holy time with my Abba Father.
July 8, 2017 - Apologies for the abrupt end... but thought I'd post this and get it out of 'draft' mode... This was in early December 2016...