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Saturday, July 8, 2017

Rhino Skin

Listening to music while I work today... Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers are up with 'Rhino Skin'... fitting for the flurry of thoughts running through my head today. "You need rhino skin, or you're gonna give in". I'm battling back thoughts of self-importance and self-esteem based on who I work for and what I do and not whose I am. I don't want to 'give in' to me; I want to trust God to do what He says He will: 'never leave or forsake me' and 'to make my paths straight' (when I put my trust in Him).

At best, I'm distracted today. Thinking of future and not so future plans. I know that God has His plan for my life - just not sure what it is exactly at this point. I've been all over the place lately (last year) - small group for me; small group at work for others; prayer group at work; participating in the ASL Choir; going to Ukraine (my heart literally aches for the kids there!)... and most recent events: holidays (oven ordering fiasco; Thanksgiving with family; serving others; doing it on a different day?); Lauren moving out soon - actually makes me tear up to write that... I'm a wreck.

And on top of all of that I read Philippians 3 this morning and then heard a part of a message from Dr. Chuck Swindoll on the way to work about wanting God's will while I want my own too (monkey with his hand inside a gourd grasping rice - he can't get his hand out while grasping "what he wants" and he gets captured) - read: it doesn't work. Philippians 3 was all about the fact that we are to give up ourselves and our desires to be all about what Jesus did for us and to understand that that was so great an act that nothing we've ever done or will ever do could ever compare - "therefore, I count it all as loss".

I feel a whole lot of loss at the moment. My job feels awkward and like I don't belong anymore. I want more time with Lauren. I want more time with Jason - we had some fun silly moments this weekend. I want more time with Jesus - super personal, quiet holy time with my Abba Father.

July 8, 2017 - Apologies for the abrupt end... but thought I'd post this and get it out of 'draft' mode... This was in early December 2016...

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Torn Asunder

Friends are just returning from Orphan Camp in Ukraine, Barvinok, specifically. My heart is both lifted, filled and dumped out and empty every time someone posts about their time there, or a few more pictures. I'm breathing based on the frequency of posts; gasping for air in between. And then I take a moment to evaluate... do I just miss not going - being one of the "ones" that goes to a far-off land to share Jesus who don't know Him yet? Or is it more?

It's more.

I am longing to feel deeply for these loves again. To be broken open - to be raw for days on end whether it means tears or maniacal laughter. I ache for the desire to be so wrapped up in caring for kids who've been less than marginalized. They've been emotionally discarded, dropped off at the doorstep of the human equivalent of Goodwill. I hold them in my heart - have for a year now - but would rather meet their direct gazes with an assurance of care and concern for their hearts and minds by the One who made them and loves them unconditionally.

My God. I miss those kids. Lord Jesus, give me the chance to return and to love them like you love me. My heart has been torn asunder - into a thousand pieces.

Philippians 2: 1-4Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.